


Send Me a Flower, Send Me a Sign

by TimelessTears



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-06 12:50:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4222362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimelessTears/pseuds/TimelessTears
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki sees a part-time position opening at the CCG and decides to apply. Banjou and the rest aren't so sure this is the best idea. . .</p><p>(Kaneki may have left his friends behind to protect them, but he hasn't forgotten them. Set three months after Jason and the raid on the 11th ward.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Half_SubmergedinPurgatory](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Half_SubmergedinPurgatory/gifts).



> Done for the tg kink challenge.
> 
> Prompt:
> 
> Kaneki is growing a garden in his gang's shared apartment. When he goes out alone, everybody fusses over the plants. 
> 
> x10: everybody who is worried about him/the gang gets fresh flowers every day (so they know they're ok)  
> ^On Hide's doorstep, in Touka's mug in Anteiku, tucked into Uta's mailbox, etc.  
> x100: the flowers appear next to grave markers for the suicide victims Anteiku uses as food  
> x1000: if ghouls who admire/respect the gang bring plants as peace-gifts  
> x10000: if Kaneki keeps dried lavender in his mask so he can't smell flesh as well/to keep sane  
> x100000 and my undying love: if Kaneki is gone for a while, gets into a nasty fight and passes out. When he wakes up he's at home with way more plants than he remembers owning that've been cared for in his absence and added to by his supporters. I want him to cry like a baby dam nit.

It started with a single orchid plant perched on the windowsill. The group of ghouls hadn’t noticed the purple flower until it had been given the company of a white orchid with a pink one joining soon after. The flowers gave the apartment a little more color and their fragrance helped some of the members relax.

When the hanging basket of lavender showed up, Banjou couldn’t keep his silence.

“Where are all these flowers coming from?” he asked, looking at Ichimi, Jiro, and Sante. The three ghouls looked up from their card game and shrugged in unison.

“No idea, Banjou,” Jiro said, “Probably Gourmet being weird again. You know how he is. Got any 3’s?” she asked Ichimi and cursed when he shook his head.

“No, we’d know if it was Tsukiyama; he can’t do anything without dramatics.” Banjou mumbled under his breath and nearly screamed in fright when the front door slammed open.

“Bonjour!” Tsukiyama greeted them cheerfully as he stepped into the living room. “Ah, where is Kaneki-kun?” he asked, sly eyes scanning across the room for their young leader. He licked his lips in a lewd manner, making Banjou shudder in disgust.

“He went out shopping with Hinami. They wanted to go to a little bookshop they spotted earlier.” Banjou managed through gritted teeth. No matter how many times they met, Tsukiyama always set him on edge. The way he acted towards Kaneki was creepy and Banjou would have stepped in and confronted him about his behavior a long time ago, but Kaneki had ordered them to let Tsukiyama do as he pleased. That, and Kaneki could hold his own if Gourmet betrayed them. Everyone - with Hinami as the exception, that cute girl believed the best of everyone - was waiting for Tsukiyama to stab them in the back. Even though they continued to play their game, Banjou could see his three comrades had tensed when Tsukiyama had entered and were ready to attack if he made any threatening moves.

“Why didn’t Kaneki-kun invite me? I love literature.” Tsukiyama pouted as he walked over to the window and began to caress the lavender. He was gazing out the window, lost in thought. He seemed to be caressing the flowers out of habit; as if he had done so numerous times without thinking about it.

“Oi, are you the one bringing in all the flowers?” Banjou asked upon seeing the interaction; maybe Tsukiyama was bringing in the plants.  The flowers had been a nice addition to the apartment but if Tsukiyama had brought them, then Banjou was going to burn them simply on the basis that _Tsukiyama had brought them_.

The pots probably had tiny cameras in them. _‘Oh no.’_ Banjou thought, _‘Is he spying on us through the flowers? Is he trying to find a weakness in Kaneki? OH MY GOD! HE’S TRYING TO FILM US NAKED!’_

Sometimes, Banjou’s imagination got ahead of itself. Thankfully, Tsukiyama had spoken before Banjou could start flinging accusations and get his ass kicked by the stronger ghoul.

“Me? When would I have time? Kaneki-kun won’t let me stay with the rest of you,” Tsukiyama frowned. “Besides, while I find flowers fascinating, they’re not a necessity for our goal.” he finished, turning back to the window, his pale fingers still stroking the lavender.

“Ah…” Banjou trailed off in an embarrassed manner and was saved from trying to fill the awkward silence by the front door opening.

“We’re back!” Hinami’s sweet voice called out. There were some muffled sounds in the kitchen as bags were set down on countertops before Hinami appeared in the doorway. The moment Hinami caught sight of Tsukiyama, her smile turned into a grin. “Tsukiyama! I didn’t know you’d be stopping by today.”

Normally, Banjou would object to Hinami greeting that creep so easily, but all he could focus on was the cheerful pot of daisies cupped in her petite hands.

“Ah-ha!” he laughed loudly, causing the rest to look at him. “Of course Hinami-chan is the one buying all the flowers.  They make the apartment a little brighter, thank you,” he told her enthusiastically and grinned at the little giggle she let loose as she set the daisies down by the orchids.

“Oui, Banjoi-san is right, Little Lady. You’ve done a beautiful job making this dreadful place look more habitable.” Tsukiyama purred, ignoring Banjou’s yell of: “ _That’s not my name!”_

“Onii-chan is the one buying and taking care of the flowers,” Hinami gently corrected them, turning the daisies so they could embrace the sun. “While we were out, he said I could pick whatever flower I wanted. He’s going to show me how to take care of them!” she gushed happily, unaware of widening eyes she had caused.

“K-kaneki-kun is the one buying the flowers?” Banjou asked in disbelief. Hinami hummed and nodded, still enamored with her flowers.

Banjou’s not sure why this revelation was such a shock to him. He supposed it was because Kaneki always seemed so focused on his goals. Hobbies like gardening would be considered insignificant and waste of time for someone as strong as him, right?

 _‘Then again, maybe not.”_ Banjou thought, a little ashamed of how callous he was portraying Kaneki. _‘Kaneki may be ruthless but he’s also very kind. Even though he won’t eat humans, he makes sure there’s some here for us. He’s helping me learn how to read; he takes Hinami out to go buy books and he does give some pretty rad haircuts.’_

“Hinami, if you caress the petals too much they’ll fall off.” Kaneki’s soft voice called out, causing Banjou to look up from his thoughts and for Hinami to jump up a little in guilt. Kaneki made his way over to the window, his footsteps never making a sound, with a small watering can held in his hands.

“Sorry, onii-chan,” Hinami said with a guilty smile. “The petals are just so soft.”

Kaneki laughed and Banjou’s heart soared at the sound. This kid had been through hell and back, had done everything in his power to help Banjou and his friends when they were virtual strangers and had paid dearly for it. Banjou would gladly eat human food for the rest of his life if it meant Kaneki could laugh and smile again without restraint.

 “The petals are very soft,” Kaneki agreed as he began to water the plants. “When I was little I used to stroke the petals just like you, Hinami.” Kaneki was facing the window, so Banjou couldn’t see his face but he could tell by his tone that the boy had stopped smiling. “My mom told me the petals were fragile. I cried when they fell off because I thought I had killed the flower.”

“Did she get mad?” Hinami asked in a hushed voice.

“No,” Kaneki shook his head, one hand coming up to cup the white orchid. “Mom was like a flower; beautiful without an ounce of anger in her. Fragile though,” he whispered under his breath as he drew his hand back; as if he was afraid he had hurt the flower. “Very fragile. Want to see how to properly water these little guys?” he asked Hinami with a brittle smile. The smile became real at her enthusiastic ‘ _yes!_ ’

Banjou looked on as Kaneki quietly explained to Hinami what she needed to do. Kaneki, Banjou was beginning to think, had not had a very good life even before being dragged into the world of ghouls. More innocent?  Definitely. Yet, from the way he spoke of his mother (or lack thereof) Banjou had a gut feeling that their leader had suffered some heavy losses as a child. Banjou’s fist tightened into a ball at his side.

He wanted to see their leader smile and be happy. Maybe the flowers would help?

“Ah, Kaneki-kun, I had no idea you had an interest in flowers. I, too, have spent much time among the petite fluers. I’ve studied many and know each one represents something special. Perhaps I could teach you?” Tsukiyama purred. Banjou was about to yell at him but Kaneki’s glare had Tsukiyama backing off. “Ah, but I see you’re already aware of the secret language of flowers. We can discuss it another time; I hope you don’t mind me coming here with no notice. I was bored and, well, bad things seem to happen when I get bored.” Gourmet ended with a twisted grin, taking in Kaneki’s form as the boy gave Hinami control so she could finish watering the flowers.

“Actually Tsukiyama, I’m glad you’re here because it saves me the trouble of having to track you down to tell you the news.” Kaneki replied, sitting down on the couch; Hinami joining him soon after. His tone sounded casual but everyone caught the warning in the undertone.

“Oh? Did you find some information on Aogiri?” the other asked as he leaned against the back of the couch. Banjou’s eyebrows rose up as Tsukiyama invaded Kaneki’s personal space. “Where are we going, Kaneki-kun? Who are we cutting up?” he whispered into Kaneki’s ear, looking like he was barely holding back the urge to lick the tempting appendage.

“We are not going anywhere,” Kaneki said sternly, causing the rest if the group to look at him. “Today Hinami and I passed by a public bulletin board and I noticed an interesting job offer. The CCG in the 20th ward has openings for assistant staff positions - a data entry position caught my eye. I’m going to apply and see if I can get it.” Kaneki finished and blinked at the horrified faces looking back at him. “What?”

“Kaneki-kun! While going into enemy’s camp to gain information is something that I find deliciously admirable, this is a fool’s errand. You’d be killed on the spot.” Surprisingly, it was Tsukiyama scolding their leader and, for once in his life, being the voice of reason. “The CCG has special scanners that can detect ghouls. They’ll know what you are the moment you go in for the interview.”

“Hmm, not many ghouls know about the scanners,” Kaneki replied and gave the Gourmet a carefree smile that had a tinge of cunning in it. “Did you run into some trouble with those scanners in the past, Tsukiyama? Did one of your would-be victims turn out to be working for the CCG and you had to let them go once you realized going past the lobby was impossible?”

“ _Oui_ , perceptive as always, Kaneki-kun. At the time, I thought she had the most beautiful hands; I could have nibbled and munched on them all day long,” Tsukiyama gave a blissful sigh. “Thankfully, I know what true beauty is now thanks to you.” he ended in a purr.

“Tsukiyama is right,” Sante commented before Tsukiyama could start obsessing out loud about Kaneki. “I’ve never heard of these scanners but if they can detect ghouls then it’s a pointless endeavor. Why would you even want to go there in the first place? If it’s for information, Tsukiyama has informants that have proven trustworthy so far.”

Kaneki let loose a little sigh and leaned forward so that his elbows were resting on his knees and his chin rested in his hands. He was clearly thinking of how to reply and the others waited for him to gather his words.

“When I first began working at Anteiku, Touka and I did something that was both smart and incredibly stupid at the same time. At the time the CCG was looking for Hinami,” Kaneki told them and Banjou almost asked why but one look at Hinami’s downcast face made him clench his jaw; they all had stories they didn’t want to share. “Touka had seen the wanted poster they had put out and in an effort to throw them off Hinami’s trail, we dressed up as high school students and went to the CCG to give false information.”

“That’s so noble!” Banjou sniffed as he wiped away some tears that built up in the corner of his eyes.

“Yes, noble indeed, Kaneki-kun,” Tsukiyama agreed. “But there’s more to the story isn’t there, mon cher?”

“Don’t call me that,” Kaneki said flatly, ignoring Tsukiyama’s delighted gasp about Kaneki’s ‘bad ass mode.’ “But yes, there is more. We filled out the forms they had given us and told the lady in charge of Information what we knew. Right as we were heading out an investigator was coming in. He took look one look at us and blocked us by making small talk.” Kaneki shook his head in apparent amazement. “He had excellent intuition and knew we were up to something. He wanted to talk to us in a private room; all of which were on the other side of the scanner. Thankfully, he grabbed onto me instead of Touka. I don’t know what would have happened if he had picked her instead.” he finished.

“Wait,” Banjou started slowly with horror, “You mean he dragged you through the scanner?”

“Yes.” Kaneki, returned with a slight smile.

“And it didn’t go off?” Tsukiyama asked in an incredulous voice.

“One of the finer points of being half-ghoul,” Kaneki told them. “My RC factor isn’t as high as a full ghoul’s so the machine didn’t go off. The investigator was just surprised as Touka and I. Thankfully, Touka-chan told him we’d be late for cram school and we both ran for it.”

A full thirty seconds of silence passed before Tsukiyama began laughing.

“I wish I would have been there, Kaneki-kun!” he said, tears streaming down his face. “If only to see that investigator’s face!”

Banjou couldn’t help the image that popped into his head of some nameless Dove with their eyes popped open in surprise and jaw on the ground as two kids ran off in the distance. The image shouldn’t have been that funny but it was and soon he was chuckling as well.

All laughter stopped when Hinami stood up, her eyes casted in the shadows of her bangs.

“Onii-chan,” she began softly with a tremble in her voice. “You and onee-chan were almost caught because of me?”

“Neither Touka nor I wanted to see you get hurt again.” Kaneki explained quietly. Hinami quickly crossed over to his seat and smacked the top of his head.

“Idiot onii-chan!” she yelled ignoring Kaneki’s small noise of pain. “I would have been devastated if you and onee-chan had gotten hurt trying to protect me. Don’t take such reckless risks!” she sniffed and Banjou briefly saw the tears streaming down her face before she buried her face into Kaneki’s shoulder and let loose a sob.

“I’m sorry, Hinami-chan.” Kaneki told her, wrapping his arms around her. ”I’ll try my best not to be reckless anymore.”

“Good.” she said. After lingering in the hug for a few more seconds, she stood up. “Next time I see onee-chan, I’ll scold her too.”

“I still don’t understand why you want to get inside the CCG. You won’t have access to any sensitive information.” Jiro said, reminding everyone why Kaneki had brought up the story.

“Hmm, technically, that’s true but I think I’ll see more information than expected,” Kaneki replied. “Most of you don’t really pay attention to how the human world works, do you?” seeing all the shaking heads and confused expressions, Kaneki continued on. “When a business does something that exceeds expectations, they often get an increase in money for their budget. The Japanese Government didn’t expect the raid on the 11th ward to go as well as it did, so they’re giving the CCG more money as a both a reward and a thank you. Now, guess what the CCG will be using that money for.”

“More quinques?” Sante asked right as someone else muttered ‘research’.

“Sure, some of the money will be going to those things, but the CCG will be spending most of it on _technology_ ; computers, specifically. There will always be money for research and the development of weapons but right now new computers are their top priority.” Kaneki told them.

“Why?” Hinami asked curiously.

“We’re are living in the age of technology and the CCG has to keep up,” Kaneki replied. “Also, the fact that they specifically posted a temporary data entry position is telling in and of itself.”

“It is?” Banjou felt very stupid and from the looks of it, so did everyone else. They needed to keep up with what was happening in the human world, he decided.

“If the position is temporary and part-time that means that whoever was originally doing the job was reassigned to do something that the CCG considers more important,” Kaneki explained. “The CCG still uses paper documentation but with new computers, all those documents will have to be transferred into a database. That way they’ll be able to go paperless and be up to date with their technology. The investigators will probably be given new tablets and cell phones. The data entry position won’t last long and we need to take advantage of gaining information without bloodshed.”

“But Kaneki-kun, my spies know more about Aogiri Tree than the CCG.” Tsukiyama said he had stopped talking.

“It’s not just about Aogiri,” Kaneki responded with a frown. “It’s about learning as much as we can. I have no personal vendetta against the CCG but their job is to eliminate us. If I can get more information on how their weapons work, what ghouls they’re trying to track and who they already have incarcerated, then it’s worth the risk.” Kaneki looked at all of them and Banjou felt himself cracking under those soulful eyes. “At least, I think it’s worth the risk.” Kaneki mumbled as he looked down at his hands, his posture making it clear he was beginning to doubt himself.

“You’re right.” Banjou heard the words ring out loud and it took a moment for him to register that they came from his mouth. Regardless, he trudged on as his leader looked up at him. “It bugs me that I can’t follow you but I can get you an apartment in the 20th ward through a friend.”

Kaneki’s smile wiped away most of Banjou’s fears.

“I still need to come up with a new identity and documentations. I haven’t been to school in over three months and I’m sure my friend has reported me missing.” The white haired boy smiled, thinking about Hide.

“Tres bien!” Tsukiyama gave an enthusiastic clap. “I know someone who can forge documents, Kaneki-kun. Just tell me what you want your new name to be and I’ll have them within three days!”

“Um, onii-chan?” Hinami’s small voice broke through the air. “What about your eye?” she asked, worry in her voice.

“Oh,” he subconsciously went to touch his eye before stopping himself. “I was going to wear my eye patch and say I had corrective surgery. It’ll make me stand out but it’s a believable lie.”

“I shall make sure you have doctors note as well then.” Tsukiyama did a happy little dance and tried to hug Kaneki, who skillfully dodged by shifting slightly to the left. The Gourmet tried again and ended up on the floor with Kaneki’s foot on the small of his back.

“So, I have everyone’s support in this?” he asked when it calmed down and he let Tsukiyama back up. At the affirmative nods, he gave them a smile and slight bow. “Thank you. I ask that while I’m away you keep your eyes and ears open for any information concerning Aogiri but don’t put yourself in danger. Lay low and stay safe. I’ll buy some disposable phones so we can stay in contact. I’ll apply when Tsukiyama’s documents are ready. The moment I know I’m in, we separate, ok?”

It was a hard truth to swallow but Banjou and the rest nodded. For the first time in his life, Banjou cursed the fact that he was a full ghoul. How was he supposed to be Kaneki’s shield if he couldn’t be with him?

 _‘Maybe he won’t get hired on.’_ Banjou thought as Hinami led Kaneki over to the flowers. The sun had gone down but the petals looked just as beautiful in the moonlight. Ethereal as the boy who was gently teaching Hinami about them. It was clear by how Kaneki handled the plants that he was fond of them.

If he got on with the CCG, Banjou vowed to make sure not one petal would wither while Kaneki was away and by the look in Hinami’s honey eyes, she was thinking the same thing.

Monday came with the sun and Banjou watched Kaneki water the flowers in the morning and again at night.

Tuesday, Tsukiyama stopped by with all the fake documents Kaneki would need. Their leader had been in the middle of turning the flowers pots to allow the flowers facing the room to get some sun. Kaneki had been distracted by the news and didn’t notice Banjou quietly finish the job.

Wednesday was spent calling up his friend and securing an apartment as Kaneki filled out the application. Feelings of nervousness and dread were rising in all of them and it was only seeing Kaneki’s peaceful expression as he sprinkled some fresh dirt into the flower pots that the rest felt at ease.

Thursday was a punch in the gut for Banjou when he saw Kaneki had dyed his hair a dark brown and styled it back with gel. Along with the dye, Kaneki had bought green contacts, nude nail polish, and special sole inserts that would make him look taller.

Banjou would have thought him a stranger if he had seen Kaneki on the street. That night, Kaneki received a call from the CCG. The warmth in his voice as he told the person on the other end he would love to have an interview tomorrow while stroking his white orchid would be burned in Banjou’s memory forever.


	2. Chapter 2

The CCG’s building was just as Kaneki remembered: tall, beautiful and sharp.  The building was like any other modern skyscraper but looking at it always made Kaneki think of a guillotine for some reason.  Entering the lobby, Kaneki smiled. A little over 6 months ago, he was terrified of this place. Now, it almost felt like he was human again.

Walking over to the information desk, he eyed the RC scanner a few feet away. In about 15 minutes, he would be walking through it and hopefully it wouldn’t go off. He probably should have told the others that he wasn’t sure what his RC cell count was anymore. Kaneki wasn’t a doctor and he didn’t know if eating other ghouls had increased his own RC cells.  He had almost brought it up but figured it’d cause them unnecessary worry.

Well, just being here was making them worry. He’d have to find a way to thank them for their support after this was all over.

“Excuse me,” he said softly to the girl behind the counter. “My name is Kanashimi Haku. I’m here for an interview regarding the data entry position.” The girl blinked at him before turning to her computer and typing something.

“Ah, for the 10:15 appointment?” she asked him with a smile.

“Yes, that’s the one.”

“I’ll call to let them know you’re here. Please have a seat. I’ll let you know when they’re ready for you.”

“Thank you.” Kaneki said with a respectful bow, ignoring her giggle at his polite gesture. Turning around, he sat in the same chair Touka had dragged him to on their first visit. With a quiet sigh, he settled in for the wait, his eyes scanning the people that passed by. People watching wasn’t an activity that he indulged in often but he thought it would be more interesting than thumbing through dull magazines.

A tall man in a white overcoat was looking over some papers as he walked briskly down the hall behind the RC Scanner, skillfully dodging others and giving slight nods to colleagues.

Two men carrying briefcases just came in and were chatting and laughing about last night’s bar meet.

A woman walked past in a rush, her hair a slight mess; her heels clicking frantically as she ran through the gate, apologizing to those at the front desk for being late.

An elderly woman was asking if her grandson was free from his workload yet. He promised to go to an early lunch with her.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kaneki saw a boy carrying a bunch of papers and giving out high fives to the people he passed. He was far away and wore a hat, but the yellow strands of hair that peeked out and his boisterous laugh made Kaneki think of Hide.

Kaneki’s hand balled into a fist.

They all smelled so good- it was making his mouth water.

He hadn’t eaten very much this last week in hopes that if his RC cells were too high, they’d go back down. He had forgotten how good humans smelled. If he had tried this 6 months ago, he would have been clutching at the furniture and biting his hand to keep himself in check. But he was better than that; he wasn’t weak anymore. This time, he rested his chin on his hand and took a deep breath of the dried lavender he had pinned inside his sleeve. The scent had always calmed him down as a kid, and it was just as effective now.

“Kanashimi-san,” The name broke him from his thoughts and he saw the secretary standing in front of him. “The interviewer is ready for you. Please go to Conference Room 3. It’s down the hall, third door on the left.”

With a quiet thanks, Kaneki stood up and prepared himself. If the gate beeps as he walks through, he’s certain he can make a run for it and not get caught. Gazing at the people around him, he withheld a smirk.

If he could escape other ghouls, he could escape from this place.

Kaneki walked through the scanner without a care.

It didn’t beep once.

Following the directions given to him, Kaneki soon found himself standing in front of a metal door. Taking one last big breath to prepare himself, he knocked. It was only  a moment later he heard a muffled response: “You may enter.”

“Kanashimi Haku, was it?” A woman asked as he entered the room. Upon looking closer, he realized she was the one who had questioned him and Touka last time. The only thing time had changed about her was that her hair was a little longer.

“That’s correct.” he said, giving a respectful bow.

“My apologies for the wait,” she replied with a cheerful smile. “I’m head of the Information Department, Ruisawa Mayu. Please have a seat.”

Kaneki nodded and sat in the plush chair offered to him. Ruisawa hummed to herself and began rustling through some papers.

“Now, it says here that you are currently going to Tokyo University and are majoring in computer technology. Is that correct?”

“Yes. I’ve always been good with computers and felt it would be a good subject to study. When I saw the ad posted for the data entry position, I felt it would be a good way to keep my typing skills up to date.”

“I see. That’s very pragmatic of you, Kanashimi-san. And are you aware of what the CCG does?”

With a slight smile, Kaneki launched into a story about how he despised ghouls and felt the need to contribute more to the campaign to eliminate them.  By the spark in Ruisawa’s eyes, he knew he had her entranced. Of course she still continued on with the interview and had him take a typing test, which he passed with an impressive time. Kaneki had written enough essays in his life that he could type with his eyes closed.

He’d have to find a way to repay the ghoul that had forged his documents. Ruisawa was going through his information with a critical eye and, thankfully, it all added it up. No missing data or anything that would make it glaringly obvious that all the documents were fake. The ghoul had even made sure to add that both parents had passed away in a car wreck.

“I was bit worried your eye would hinder you, but you are definitely the most skilled person we’ve interviewed so far. Now, just to be clear, you would be working Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. Would that conflict with your school schedule?” Ruisawa asked.

“Not at all.” Kaneki assured her.

“And you are aware this job will only last two months?” she asked.

“I knew it was a temporary position but I wasn’t sure how long. Two months is perfect for me.”

Rusiawa nodded and went through the paperwork again. After what felt like forever to Kaneki, she turned to look at him. “When would you like to start?”

“As soon as possible, please.” Kaneki replied, barely keeping his composure.

He was in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I picked Kanashimi Haku for Kaneki's fake name because, according to google, it means Sorrow/Grief and White. If it's wrong, then I apologize in advance.


	3. Chapter 3

There was a quiet strain in the apartment as they waited for Kaneki’s return.  Banjou was staring blankly at the newspaper he had picked up to practice his reading with. He hadn’t made it past the first article. His three comrades were playing some weird 3 person Go game that he’s pretty sure they made up. They were also distracted and kept reminding each other play. Banjou could only thank the heavens that Tsukiyama wasn’t here. There definitely would have been bloodshed.

Hinami had just finished watering the plants and was sitting by the window. The poor girl almost had a heart attack when she realized that one of the lavender stalks was missing. Upon closer inspection, it was clear that someone had cut it from its stem. Banjou suspected Tsukiyama; everyone knew that man was obsessed with Kaneki. Sometimes Kaneki’s clothes would mysteriously vanish after some of Tsukiyama’s visits, so the man taking a flower was actually a step down on the stalker factor. Still, if only for the principle of it, the next time Banjou saw that jerk, he was going to punch him in the face for stealing their leader’s flower.

Banjou didn’t care that Gourmet could rip through him like rice paper; _nobody_ messes with Kaneki’s flowers.

The clock on the wall just turned over to 11:00 am and Banjou had to mentally stop himself from biting down on his lip. How long did interviews take? Was Kaneki ok? Did he get captured? Was he being interrogated and tortured as they sat here, waiting for his return?

These toxic thoughts plagued him for what felt like an eternity. As soon as he managed to banish one, another far more sinister one took its place. It became so mind consuming that he only realized the front door had opened because the others turned at the noise. He looked up just in time to see Kaneki shut the door. The boy leaned against it and let loose a deep sigh before focusing on the group looking at him anxiously. He gave a tired smile as he walked towards them, one hand clutching a plastic bag.

“I start Monday.” Was all he said as he took a seat next to Banjou, unaware that his statement had released the tension and worry in the room.

“T-that’s great!” Banjou stuttered and had to stop himself from hugging the boy. Kaneki wouldn’t protest the hug or hurt Banjou but the other man knew Kaneki wasn’t very fond of physical touches.

 _‘Well, perhaps it’s more of who’s touching him.’_ Banjou thought has Hinami almost tackled Kaneki in her joy. Kaneki seemed alright if the person was smaller or the same size as him but a person as tall as Tsukiyama or as buff as Banjou made Kaneki nervous. He’d never admit it but everyone noticed he was more on edge when Tsukiyama became a little too ‘hands-on’ with his affectionate gestures.

“Um, onii-chan?” Hinami’s timid voice rang throughout the room, “I was watering the lavender and I noticed one of the stalks had been cut off.  I don’t know how it happened or why someone would take it but I want to keep taking care of them. I promise I’ll protect them better!” She ended eyes brimmed with tears, head bowed low.

“Oh, that?” Kaneki, to everyone’s surprise, actually laughed, “That was me, Hinami. Sorry, I should have told you, but it slipped my mind.”

“Eh? But why would you cut it off?” Hinami asked, relieved that Kaneki wasn’t upset with her.

Still chuckling to himself, the others watched in fascination as Kaneki rolled up his sleeve to reveal the lavender pinned inside.

“For a lot of humans, the scent of lavender is calming. I’m not sure if it’s the same for full ghouls but it still calms me down. I’ll probably buy some to put on the desk they give me.” Kaneki told her with a smile as he unpinned the flower and gave it to her, “Smell it and tell me how it makes you feel.”

Gently taking the flower, Hinami held it close to her face to take in the scent. After a moment, she opened her eyes in amazement. “You’re right, onii-chan,” she whispered in awe, “It feels like I’m swimming in a wave of calmness. I never knew flowers were so powerful! You try, Jiro!” she said, thrusting the plant into Jiro’s hands.

“You sure this isn’t an illegal drug, Kaneki?” Jiro grumbled, taking a whiff. The others waited with bated breath, wondering if the flower would affect Jiro when the ghoul suddenly slumped into the couch.

“Eh, Jiro? You alright there?” Banjou asked. He had never someone’s energy drain out of them like that.

“Mmm, someone should give this to that damn Gourmet. It’d take the edge off some of his energy.” she responded, eyelids drooping, “Who needs sleeping pills with this stuff around?”

Kaneki watched in amusement and slight worry as everyone took turns smelling the lavender. He had to bite his lip as they all began to stretch out on the couch like lazy cats bathing in the sun. Lavender wasn’t supposed to be _that_ calming.

 _‘Well, ghouls do have a better sense of smell. Still, I didn’t think it would affect them this much. Sorta reminds me of catnip.’_ Kaneki thought, trying his hardest to withhold his laughter. Literature was his forte but Kaneki had always enjoyed science experiments. He decided to silently observe the phenomenon happening before him. On average, it took a ghoul 8 minutes to come down from their high; Hinami’s being the lowest at 6 minutes and Banjou’s was the highest at 10. This, Kaneki decided, was probably due to the weight, mass and height of each person.

“We could probably make a killing selling this stuff. There’re a lot of ghouls out there trying to blend in with humans and this plant could help with anxiety issues.” Sante commented with a wicked gleam in his eyes at the thought of all the profit their group could gain.

“Extra funds would be nice. . .” Banjou trailed off, eyeing Kaneki to see what his decision would be. The boy blinked at him when he realized Banjou was waiting for a response to his silent question.

“Feel free to sell the lavender if you’d like; it’s not illegal. I won’t be around to help with the harvesting though, and you’ll have to dry and press them to get the desired effect. You might also want to test it on a few other ghouls before trying to sell it. I don’t want any angry ghouls trying to kill you guys while I’m away.” Kaneki told them.

“Oh, right. Heh.” Banjou laughed nervously, suddenly remembering that their leader would be out of the picture for a while. “Please write down what we need to do before you leave.”

“Of course,” Kaneki agreed as he began rummaging through the bag he had brought with him, “You can also call or text me if you have questions. I’ve already put in everyone’s numbers and names.” He finished as he handed everyone a cell phone. They were cheap phones with only call and text as functions.

“You’ll be careful, won’t you onii-chan?” Hinami asked as she fiddled with the phone.

“Of course. Trust me; I’ll probably be safer at the CCG than anywhere else. To be honest, I’d rather spend the rest of this night enjoying our time together before I have to leave. So, please, stop fretting over my safety.  I’ll be alright, ok?” He had been speaking to Hinami but it was clear to all of them that Kaneki was asking the group to drop the subject.

“Ok, onii-chan. Will you show me how to press the lavender?” Hinami asked, excitement coloring her voice.

“Sure. Bring me the pot and I’ll show you how to properly cut the stalk. Later, I can go over some kanji lessons with you, if you’d like.”

“Ok!”

As Hinami went to grab the flowers, Kaneki turned to Banjou.

“How’s your reading been coming along, Banjou?” Kaneki asked with a kind smile.

“Urm, well, it’s coming along alright, I guess. I’m still not as good as Hinami.” Banjou muttered, red dusting his cheeks.

“Hmm, it’s harder to learn by yourself. Join me and Hinami later and I help you out, ok?” Banjou nodded and Kaneki became serious, “If Tsukiyama starts causing trouble, please let me know.”

“Of course but if you’re away how--?” Banjou stopped, unable to articulate his question without sounding blunt or rude.

“Data entry is a 9 to 5 job. I won’t be in that building all day. I have Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday off but I’ll be staying in the 20th ward incase I’m called in. Also, one of the phones is for Tsukiyama so I can contact him and tell him to stop if he begins attracting attention.”

“You’re actually giving that guy your number?” A shocked Ichimi asked, no doubt imagining all the texts and phone calls Kaneki would be receiving once Tsukiyama got his greedy hands on the phone.

“Tsukiyama is over the top and flamboyant but he’s not stupid.” Kaneki replied sharply, “He can restrain himself when needed. I told him from the beginning that if he started doing unnecessary things I would kill him; that includes spamming me with pointless texts all day.”

The look in Kaneki’s eyes betrayed him. The whole group knew he wouldn’t kill Tsukiyama for something as trivial as that- Kaneki was too kind in that respect.

He’d probably only rip off Tsukiyama’s arms or break his back.

“In any case, he can’t send me pictures so that’s one less thing to worry about.” the boy muttered darkly as Hinami set the lavender down in front of him. Banjou and the others shuddered at the thought Kaneki had planted in their heads.

Tsukiyama would definitely send Kaneki countless photos and gladly accept divine punishment in return.

 _'So that’s why you chose such cheap phones. You didn’t want to get selfies from Tsukiyama every 10 minutes._ ’ Banjou thought as Kaneki began teaching Hinami key points in cutting flower stems.


	4. Chapter 4

“So you’re the new guy, eh?” a man muttered, giving Kaneki a distasteful look.

“Yes, I’m Kanashimi-”

“Yeah, look, I don’t care who you are. Just shut up and follow me, ok?” the other snapped, stopping Kaneki mid-sentence. As the man whirled around, he missed the surprised look on Kaneki’s face.

“You already know what your job is but I’ve been told to show you around and explain some things. Waste of my time.” Kaneki’s ‘tour guide’ grumbled before raising his voice. “So listen up because I’m not repeating anything.”

“Of course.” Kaneki replied with a polite smile that seemed to annoy his guide more than he already was.

“First things first. Our investigators are very busy people and they don’t have time to cater to the whims of part-timers like you. I’m sure you know what they look like but just in case, the investigators wear white trench coats and some have metallic briefcases. Civilians think they can come in here and bother them so if you got this job in hopes of talking to one, forget it! Get this into your head right now: the CCG investigators are above you in every conceivable way. If they ask you to do something, you do it. Otherwise, leave them alone and do your job.”

“Understood, sir.” Kaneki said, still smiling. He had no intention of interacting with anyone beyond what was necessary while he was here.

The tour was short and Kaneki suspected his co-worker was skimping on his task. That was fine. If anything, it would give him a good excuse if he was caught somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be. They made a quick stop at an office where Kaneki received an official identification card.

“I cannot stress this enough, _do not lose this card_. It’s the only thing that gives you access to your floor level and other places like archives and the cafeteria.”

“Cafeteria?” Kaneki questioned, the word catching him be surprise. The other shot him a look of pure venom.

“Yeah, y’know, that place where people go to eat when they’re hungry? The CCG takes care of its employees. Your lunch is from 12-1 and it is _required_ that you take it. You can eat out but the food here is pretty good.”

“I see. I was unaware of that, thank you.” Kaneki replied absentmindedly as his mind whirled over the new information. It would look odd if he opted to eat out every day while he was here. A day or two a week wouldn’t raise any eyebrows but for two months? Looks like all that time practicing eating food was about to come in handy.

“Whatever. Here’s your office. Everything you need is already inside, so enjoy your first day and don’t forget to clock out when you leave.” And with that, Kaneki’s angry tour guide left without so much as a goodbye.

“Ah! Thank you for showing me around!” Kaneki half-heartedly shouted before turning back to the door. Opening it, he turned on the lights and peered inside, curious about his new work space. What he saw was both expected and somewhat disheartening.

His ‘office’ was, more or less, a big closet with a tiny desk jammed into a corner. Kaneki thought there was a computer but it was hard to see under the mountains of files that covered the desk, the chair and the floor. With a sigh, Kaneki moved about and started to organize the mess that someone had so kindly left for him.

It took some time but after he had everything sorted to his satisfaction, Kaneki booted up the computer and started to type. Ruisawa had him do a practice run after the interview, so he already knew what program to type info into and where to upload them when finished. He became lost in his work, typing word after word. Interviews, reports, theories from investigators, ghoul criminal profiles- it was all here but today Kaneki was only inputting the interviews and statements from eyewitnesses. He couldn’t believe the CCG was letting a civilian have access to this information. Well, the contract he signed did state that if he leaked information there would be a fine and prison time. If he was still human - still how he used to be- that prospect would have frightened him.

Time passed by him easily but Kaneki did not notice until the door slammed opened and a loud, boisterous voice startled him from his work.

“Hey! What are you still doing in here? It’s lunchtime!” A familiar voice scolded him and Kaneki forgot how to breathe. With great trepidation hidden behind a cool mask, Kaneki looked up from his computer to see Hide looking back at him with a big grin.

Kaneki’s mouth went dry.

“You know where it’s at, right? I heard Tori-san was your guide but that grumpy guy probably left you stranded, huh? He did the same to me, so I decided to come rescue you.” Hide laughed, rubbing the back of his head. He titled his head and gave Kaneki an assessing look. “You ok? You haven’t said anything at all.”

“E-excuse me!” Kaneki stuttered as he stood up.  He had forgotten for a moment he was in disguise and did his best to regain his character. Hide had no idea who he was and Kaneki needed to keep it that way. “I’m Kanashimi Haku. It’s a pleasure to meet you-?”

“I’m Nagachicka Hideyoshi! You can call me Hide!” Hide told him, enthusiastically shaking his hand. “C’mon, if we don’t hurry, all the good food will be gone. Those investigators think they should get the best of everything!”

Before Kaneki knew what was happening, Hide was tugging him down the hallway towards the cafeteria, blabbing about anything and everything- just like old times. Flashes of high school and Kamii came to him; of times when Hide would drag him to places out of the blue or jump on his back. Carefree days they spent together, grumbling about the weather and mean teachers. Normal days Kaneki never thought twice about until now.

It made his heart hurt.

“So what do you do here, Hide-san?” At the question, Hide released Kaneki’s arm and spun around to face him.

“Nuh-huh!” he yelled, cheeks puffed out, shaking his head and crossing his arms to make an ‘x.’ “Don’t add any honorifics to my name! My name is Hide; not Hide-san, Hide-kun or anything like that! Makes me feel weird when people do that.”

“My apologies, Hide.” Kaneki said, barely holding back laugh. It was good to see his best friend hadn’t lost his dramatic flair in the months Kaneki had been gone.

“Well, I guess I wouldn’t mind if you called me Hide-dono or Hide-sama. Someone needs to realize how valuable I am, right?”

“Someday Hide, but not today.” Kaneki said with a soft chuckle, missing the slight tensing in Hide’s shoulders.

“Anyway, I’m just a paper-pusher. It sounds insignificant but without me this place would fall apart.” Hide joked as they entered the lunch room. It was a nice cafeteria on par with the one at Kamii. Kaneki could see why people wanted to eat here. Everything was clean, there was a variety of food and it had an open kitchen so the chefs were visible.

“Awesome! They still have curry. What are you getting, Kanashimi?” Hide asked as he pulled Kaneki towards the line.

“Oh, I wasn’t going to eat anything. I wasn’t aware we had a cafeteria and I didn’t bring any money -what?” he asked when he saw Hide giving him a weird look.

“Man, Tori-san didn’t explain anything to you, did he? The food is free. Even if it wasn’t, I would have paid for you.” Hide ended with a wink.

“I see . . . that’s great news.” Kaneki said, willing himself not to go pale.

This was the worst news he had heard all day. Now he didn’t have an excuse. Kaneki went through the line, mechanically picking up as little as he could without looking strange. It was strange; 19 years he had been a human but after being a ghoul for almost a year, he had already lost his familiarity with portion sizes.

“Is that all you’re going to eat?” Hide asked when he saw the other had only taken half a sandwich, a pudding cup, and a cup of coffee. “I’m feeling a little fat over here.” Hide said as he looked down at his own plate that was almost overflowing.

“I had a big breakfast this morning.” Came the light reply as they both sat down. Forcing down the food, Kaneki listened as Hide talked about himself. It wasn’t long before he mentioned being a student at Kamii University.

“That’s a pretty nice university to get into. What made you want to work here?” Kaneki asked. It had been bothering him ever since he saw Hide. On one hand, this was probably the safest building in the ward. On the other hand, if the CCG ever discovered what Kaneki was, it could put Hide in danger; the one thing Kaneki was trying to protect him from.

Hide’s demeanor became serious. His smile turned into a frown, his posture became tense and his eyes held a grim glint to them.

“It would be a lie if I said I was in it for the pay,” Hide said with a bitter chuckle. “The truth is I’m looking for my best friend. He disappeared a few months back and I’ve been trying to find him. I’m really worried about him. I’ve been by his house every day and I shoot him a text daily but he hasn’t responded. He used to work at a coffee shop. Management told me he never came in for his shift and they haven’t seen him since. They tried to play it off as if he lost interest in his job but I know my friend; he’s too polite to just up and leave like that. I filled out a missing persons report and I know the CCG keeps an eye on those. I figured if I hung around here I would hear something sooner or later.”

“Maybe he got tired of his life and decided to start a new one.” Kaneki suggested, feeling his heart tighten in his chest at Hide’s explanation. His friend was doing so much for him even after months of no contact. It helped Kaneki harden his resolve to make sure Hide stayed out of his affairs- he wouldn’t forgive himself if Hide was hurt because of him.

“Kaneki? Just up and leave? Ha, that’s a good joke!” Hide laughed. “My friend has all the worst best traits a person could have: he worries too much about others and not enough about himself. He works so hard and beats himself up when it’s not perfect. One time in the 4th grade, he freaked out because he spelt some word wrong. The teacher didn’t notice and gave him a 100% but noooooooo~” Hide whined, and Kaneki did his best not to blush out of pure embarrassment. He had hoped Hide had forgotten about that. “He couldn’t accept the fact that he got a perfect grade on an imperfect paper and made her change it. He’s pretty meek looking and I think the wind has more of a punch than he does. Kaneki never liked violence and he bottled up his anger so well, most people forgot he had any.”

Hide looked down at the table and began to twiddle with his chopsticks.

“I don’t think he left to start over and I don’t think he’s dead or anything like that. I know my stupid friend and the only reason he would leave with no word is if he thought he was a danger to those he loves. It’s happened before; he got so sick once he ended up in the hospital. I had no idea where he was and he only told me what happened after he came back to school. I scolded him and he told me he kept me away because he didn’t want me to get sick. Bah! That’s Bakaneki for you; he’d rather suffer alone than burden others with his problems.”

“Is that wrong?” Kaneki asked. His throat felt dry. “Is it wrong to want to protect the people you love?”

“No! Of course not!” Hide exclaimed. “I really appreciate that he tries to protect me from trivial stuff like that- it’s cute. But! Friends are supposed to look out for each other- how am I supposed to help him if he won’t tell me what’s wrong? He doesn’t have to shoulder everything alone; I would help him if he’d let me.” Hide pouted.

Kaneki felt touched. He had never thought about how much his friends might be worrying over him- he was so focused on protecting them, he didn’t realize his silence was hurting them. Perhaps cutting all contact wasn’t the best decision but it was too late to take it back.

“Anyway, enough about me! Why’d you decide to apply here? Looking to become an investigator later on?” Hide asked with a grin.

“Oh no! Nothing like that. I’m just trying to keep my typing skills up to par while helping a great cause.” Kaneki said, touching his chin.

“Hey, part-timers! Lunch is over with. Get back to work!” Someone shouted, shocking both Hide and Kaneki. Time always did pass quicker to Kaneki when he was with Hide.

“Aw man. We talked so much that you barely ate. Sorry.” Hide said, pointing at the food that Kaneki had taken two small bites out of.

“It’s fine. I wasn’t that hungry anyway. I enjoyed talking to you.” Kaneki replied as they made their way to the trash can. He felt nothing but relief at seeing that disgusting food fall into darkness. Perhaps it was pathetic take revenge on food – of all things – but Kaneki felt justified.

“Well let me make it up to you! What’s your phone number?” Hide asked, bringing out his phone.

“Eh? Oh, no- you don’t have to-” Kaneki stuttered as Hide bullied his phone number out of him and forced Kaneki to take his.

“Your phone is pretty simple.” Hide noted, when Kaneki pulled it from his pocket.

“Poor college kid.” Kaneki responded, not missing a beat. “There. I have your number and you have mine. What else would you like? My address? Bank account number?” he asked sarcastically as they walked toward the doors.

“Maybe when we’re married.” Hide joked and laughed as Kaneki choked on his saliva. They probably would have spent the whole day talking but Hide heard his name being called from down the hall.

“Gotta go, Kanashimi! Enjoy the rest of your day! And don’t ignore my texts!” Hide yelled joyfully as he ran down the hall.

“Never, Hide. Never.” Kaneki muttered under his breath, fond smile on his face as he made his way back to his office.

The rest of the day went by peacefully. Kaneki typed away, stopping every now and again to review certain files. He had already run across an eyewitness file he was sure was about Hinami. That one he stuck at the bottom of the stack. He would have to figure out a way to destroy specific files without looking suspicious. He would have to ask Ruisawa if she knew what they planned to do with the files after they were recorded.

Before he knew it, the work day was done and he was clocking out. Walking back to his apartment, he made a detour at a garden nursery. The lavender pinned to his sleeve wouldn’t be enough. He was going to need at least one or two pots in his office. The funny thing was, he wasn’t doing it to calm his hunger but because the lavender helped his nerves. Just as he was about to pay for the plants, a flash of color caught the corner of his eye.

“Excuse me, could I add something to my purchase?” Kaneki asked the cashier.

Meanwhile, Hide had just been released from his nightly torture at Kamii. He let loose a tired sigh of relief as he caught sight of his apartment complex. Working at the CCG by day and taking night classes was exhausting but it couldn’t be helped. Trudging up the stairs, the only thought in Hide’s head was collapsing on his bed and sleeping for the rest of his life. When he reached his apartment door, he blinked in surprise.

Three pots with giant sunflowers were decorating his entrance way.

Kneeling down, he caressed the petals and took in their refreshing scent. Why were these in front of his door? Maybe they were meant for someone else and the giver got the wrong apartment? Noticing a card in one of the pots, he opened it.

_‘Hide,_

_Be good and stay out of trouble.’_

The message wasn’t signed but Hide knew that handwriting anywhere.

“Jeez Kaneki, how stupid do you think I am?” he muttered with a fond smile as he hauled the flowers inside. He had to give it to his best friend; Kaneki did a pretty good job of disguising himself. If Hide hadn’t known Kaneki since forever, he would have been fooled. As it was, Hide had gotten suspicious the moment Kaneki had opened his mouth to greet him.

He hadn’t bothered to change his voice.

The suspicions had only gotten stronger the more they had talked. Hide would have never spilled that much information to a stranger but Kanashimi had so many of Kaneki’s mannerism that Hide decided to take a chance.

The chin touching cemented everything and Hide had almost yelled when he saw it.

Even so, Hide noticed Kaneki had changed; he seemed. . .sterner but more confident. He had that look in his eyes- the one Hide thought only war veterans had and – if it was possible- he had gotten quieter.

Hide had no idea why Kaneki decided to join the CCG (how’d he even make it past the RC Scanners?) but it made Hide nervous that his best friend had voluntarily walked into the lion’s den. Kaneki was a smart guy but he didn’t rely on his friends as much as he should.

Hide knew Kaneki’s wasn’t avoiding him to be mean or cruel. Kaneki had spent most of his life on his own after his mom died. Oh, he lived with his aunt but Hide saw how she had treated him. Sadly, she was a cunning woman; smart enough to never lay a hand on her nephew and cruel enough to destroy his self-esteem with each flick of her tongue. Hide saw his shy friend revert further himself more and more each year. Kaneki would come to school pale with bags under his eyes. He had money but it was only enough for one meal a day. It was an awful situation and Hide urged Kaneki to tell someone but his friend refused. Kaneki was adamant that his aunt would somehow spin the blame onto him if he ever told and Hide believed it.

If there is one person who deserved to be eaten by a ghoul, it was Kaneki’s aunt.

Hide had begged his parents to take Kaneki in but they refused. They said there wasn’t enough room; Hide was willing to share his bed. They said there wasn’t enough food; Hide would split his with Kaneki. They said they couldn’t financially afford another child; Hide offered to sell his mangas and game console. All of his solutions were shot down and the only reason he stopped asking was because they told him they’d forbid him from seeing Kaneki. That his parents – the people that claimed to love him – threatened to transfer him to another school because he was trying to help his friend . . . well, it was an eye-opener.

That was the day he realized adults didn’t really care about the problems of others- even if children were involved. Hide still spoke to his parents but he would never trust them with his troubles again.

So he did his best to help his friend through his silent years in hell. They just had to make it to college, Hide would remind Kaneki. They just had to make to college and then Kaneki could get out of that house. Once he was out, life would be easier.

Hide had been right; life was easier when they made it to Kamii. Kaneki was beginning to relax and open up to others; it should have been smooth sailing from there.

Then that date happened and Hide realized Kaneki was never going to catch a break.

It hurt when he figured out Kaneki was trying to hide his condition but Hide understood why. Humans weren’t kind to ghouls but Hide never cared about that. He hadn’t cared about if before that night he spent in Anteiku’s backroom, pretending to sleep as Kaneki admitted all his fears to the manager and he hadn’t cared after.

He only cared about Kaneki.

He decided to stay quiet and pretend he didn’t know anything for Kaneki’s peace of mind.

That, Hide decided, when Kaneki disappeared, hadn’t been the best decision.

In any case, Kaneki was back in his orbit and Hide wasn’t going to let him suffer alone again.

As Hide fell asleep surrounded by sunflowers, he made a note to track Kaneki down and tell him everything.

This time around, they’re going to share this burden whether Kaneki liked it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I picked sun flowers for Hide because they symbolize adoration and loyalty. Also, I felt they matched his personality.  
> I normally don't ask, but are you guys enjoying this? Any critiques?


	5. Chapter 5

Tuesday, Kaneki’s second official work day, was interesting. He got a few smiles and compliments on the lavender as he made his way to his office. Between the cramped space and piles of paper, there wasn’t a lot of room on the desk for the plant, but he made it fit. Satisfied it wasn’t going to fall off the edge, he started up his computer. He had only gotten through a few files when the door slammed opened and Hide stepped in.

“Wow, working hard already, Kanashimi? A real go getter, I see.” Hide said with a wink and Kaneki resisted groaning.

“Just doing my job. You should do yours.”

“Ouch! That stung, man. It’s almost as if you’re calling me a procrastinator.”

“Aren’t you?”

“Ain’t everyone at least once in their life?”

Kaneki couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“Procrastination aside, is there a reason why you decided to grace me with your presence?” he asked, after he regained his composure.

“Sure is! When’s your next day off?” Hide asked and Kaneki felt warning bells go off in his head. His best friend was up to something; Kaneki could tell by the smile he wore.

“Tomorrow . . . why?”

“So we can hang out of course!”

Hide had a wide grin stretched across his face and his eyes were lit up with eagerness. Kaneki, for the most part, loved that look; it meant that Hide was happy and doing well. Today was an exception. Seeing that expression aimed at him – he had to stop the grimace that was trying to cross his face. He could not accept Hide’s offer. _He could not_. No matter how much he wanted to. Regardless of how a large part of him screamed to take it, to latch onto the normality that he missed, accepting was not an option. He was using a new identity but that didn’t make it foolproof; if any of his enemies found out and attacked him, he didn’t want Hide to be around. He felt his kakugan flare up at the thought and he had never been more thankful for his eye patch.

Kaneki was spared having to give an answer as another person poked their head into his office. It was Tori-san and he looked ruffled and angry.

“There you are! Nagachika! Where are those papers for the Weapons Division?” the older man asked, not bothering with a greeting.

“I have ‘em right here!” Hide said, waving a file that had been tucked under his arm. “I was going to deliver them after lunch since most my stops are on this side of the buildi-”

“Get them over there _now_.” Tori snapped. “They needed those papers yesterday!”

“They did?!” Hide exclaimed. He opened the folder and began reading. Kaneki figured he was looking for the assignment’s delivery date and by the way Hide’s eyes widened, he had found it. “Oh man! Sorry, guess that one slipped by me! I’ll head right over. See you at lunch, Kanashimi!” Hide said with a wave as he left.

“Damn kids. Always wanting to chat instead of work.” Tori grumbled under his breath as he stepped into the office and dropped another stack of files onto the desk. “Forget what you’re doing and get these done ASAP.” Was all he said, leaving before Kaneki could say anything, let alone nod. Kaneki let out a sigh of relief as his door shut. He went back to his work but the anxiety inside him hadn’t left. Hide would ask to hang out again at lunch and Kaneki needed to have a good reason for saying no. Looking at the papers on his desk, he decided to work first and worry later.

It took time but soon he was focused on the various records spread out before him and discovered they were profiles of incarcerated ghouls. It was interesting and morbid; seeing the profiles the CCG had made. The ghoul mugshots and following information was unsettling. Reading what some ghouls did to their victims, reading what some investigators did to ghouls - it was gut-wrenching. 

 

* * *

_Number #1276 / Prisoner #3465_

_Alias: Lurker_

_Mask: None_

_Name: Kirimoto Nana (Note: this name has not been registered in the public database)_

_Sex: F_

_Age: Between 27-35_

_Kagune: Bikaku_

_Victims: Approximate number unknown. Estimated between 25-60._

_Modus Operandi: Targeted pedophiles in 6 th, 8th and 9th wards. Frequently sighted around parks and playgrounds. Would stalk her victims for months at a time before striking. Often recruited children to lead them to her in dark alleyways and other poorly lit areas. She would then render her victims unconscious and keep them in her apartment. Evidence suggests she slowly ate them alive over the months. Kept anywhere between 1-3 victims at a time._

_Captured: Yes. Lurker was captured and detained on March 9 th of 20XX by Investigator Hara. See Investigator Hara’s report for more details. _

_Eligible for Quinque: Yes._

_Current Status: Terminated_

* * *

 

_Number #0815 / Prisoner #0965_

_Alias: Necromantis_

_Mask: Grasshopper_

_Name: Mashito Chiro_

_Sex: M_

_Age: 56_

_Kagune: Rinkaku_

_Victims: Approximate number unknown._

_Modus Operandi: Necromantis habitually broke into morgues in the 11 th ward. He would steal the bodies and consume them at a different location. Killed and ate several morgue workers who discovered him. The shovel found in his home indicates he also dug up corpses from graveyards. A report of missing bodies confirms this._

_Captured: Yes. Necromantis was captured and detained on December 23 rd of 19XX by Investigator Mado. See Investigator Mado’s report for more details._

_Eligible for Quinque: Yes._

_Current Status: Terminated_

* * *

_Number #1105_

_Alias: None_

_Mask: None_

_Name: Unknown_

_Sex: F_

_Age: 7-10_

_Kagune: Unknown_

_Victims: Unknown._

_Modus Operandi: None_

_Captured: No. The ghoul was discovered at a local playground in the 20 th ward on September 9th of 20XX. The ghoul was surrounded by children and revealed her kakugan. An off-duty investigator was nearby and disposed of the ghoul before any damage could be done._

_Eligible for Quinque: No_

_Current Status: Terminated_  

* * *

 

He had been mistaken. These weren’t reports about ghouls locked up in Cochlea. These were reports about terminated ghouls.

His breath hitched as he took in #1105’s picture. It was a little girl with short brown hair. She was wearing a pink dress and there was a white hair clip shaped like a butterfly holding her bangs back. It had specks of blood on it.

She had been cut in half. Her eyes were half-mast and red. Even dead, Kaneki could see the shock on her face. She hadn’t expected the attack. And why would she have? She was a child. She was just playing and got a little too excited. . .

He tries to hold his bile down.

The more files he read, the more he realized he was not prepared for this. Yesterday had been easy. He had been looking through witness accounts. There was nothing in those that scared him. These, though, these reports were different. The pure brutality of them – from both investigators and ghouls . . . it was messing with his head.

He knew ghouls were cruel. He knew investigators were cruel. Why was this so shocking to him? So horrifying? Of course an investigator would kill a ghoul child unprovoked. Of course a ghoul would torture someone before eating them. Of course both sides were vindictive and wanted to cause as much pain as possible. Of course, of course, _of course they would_ -

In that moment, something in him that he thought had died in a checkered room flickered back to life. Maybe it was his heart, or a part of his soul, or a sliver of his morality come to remind him of how he used to be. Whatever it was, it _hurt_ and it brought forth a whisper of subtracting numbers and the ghostly image of masked people laughing over the sound of sobbing. The smell of grease and sweat permeated the air; someone was screaming as something tiny twitched and crawled around in their brain; devouring and making a hollow home in what was left of the amygdala and hippocampus.

‘ _Oh wait,_ ’ Kaneki thinks, feeling like a stranger to his own thoughts. ‘ _That was me._ ’

The smells hit him all at once and it’s as nauseating as it is delicious. There’s blood in the air and puke and other fluids on the floor – ‘ _No, there’s not,_ ’ a part of his insists as another part says, ‘ _Yes, there is._ ’ – but it’s all overpowered by the odor of fried meat. Pork? No. He doesn’t remember what that smells like but something similar? Something that makes his mouth water. Something much better than ghouls that tasted of rotten fish heads.

‘ _Human. It’s human flesh_.’ His mind supplied. He realizes the office isn’t really filled with the aroma of cooked flesh. Really. He knows it’s a phantom smell. He _knows_ but he can still smell it and, god, he’s _hungry_ -

A new scent catches his attention. It asphyxiates the phantosmia and he turns his head. It’s the lavender on his desk and he’s never been more relieved to see a flower. His fingers are trembling and for a brief moment he thinks he can see a bit of black peeking out from under nude nail polish. The thought of his nails makes him break out in a sweat and he brings the lavender closer to breathe it in. It fills him up and calms him down. He takes a moment to come back to himself and reality; to think about what he just read. He’s split two ways.

He wants to weep.

(To cry for the ghouls who were like Ryouko-san, to cry for the humans who became food. To bow his head and apologize to the people who were innocent and had their lives snatched away so painfully.)

He wants to rage.

(To tear apart the investigators who sought out ghouls trying their best to not kill. To devour the ghouls who relished in torture. To take both ghoul and investigator and break them apart and put them back together again. And repeat the process on both cruel varieties until they understood the meaning of _metamorphosis_.)

He sits in the quiet and does neither.

He can feel his kagune wiggling under his skin and it makes him vigilant. He cannot lose focus of his goals. These people are dead, avenging them would be fruitless. Blowing his cover because he felt empathy was the last thing he would do. He had learned the hard way that giving into his empathy often led him to pain.

He cracks one knuckle and smiles. He turns back to his work, determined to finish it as soon as possible so he can forget and convince himself he’s never read such atrocities.

He becomes engrossed and numbed. He pretends he’s reading excerpts from a Takatsuki Sen manuscript. Turning real people into characters made it easier to read, though he has come to have a special hatred for the word ‘terminated’ after seeing over and over again. Still, he continued on and failed to notice time passing. Nor did he hear his door opening and a voice calling him.

“-neki!” He catches the end of a word as a hand knocks on his desk. He jerks his head up in shock at the sound. Hide is in front of him frowning.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Kaneki asks. It sounded like Hide had said his name but that was impossible.

“I asked if you were ready to go to lunch. I said your name, like, three times. You alright, Kanashimi? You’re really pale.” Hide told him and Kaneki can see concern growing in those brown eyes.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Kaneki replied. “Tori-san said these reports are priority so I’m trying to finish them up. They’re not cheerful reading material but it has to get done.” He gives Hide a smile and sees an opportunity. “I’ll skip lunch and finish these up.”

Hide had been his friend for over ten years. They knew everything about each other; he knew Hide’s ticks and quirks and Hide knew his. With the exception of becoming a half-ghoul, it was impossible to keep anything from Hide.

So Kaneki’s not sure why he thought Hide would just accept his answer and leave him alone. Hide was curious and bold; had always been that way. Snatching the file that had been in Kaneki’s hands, he skimmed through it, grimaced, set it down, looked at Kaneki and said, “Yeah, no. If this is what you’ve been reading all morning, you need a break.”

“But Tori-san said these needed to be done today and I’m not even halfway through-”

“Kanashimi, Tori-san says that about everything.” Hide interrupted. “Trust me, the CCG knows you’re going to be reading and transcribing some disturbing stuff. They are not going to be mad at you for taking a break. This is a job, not a torture session. ‘Sides, lunch is mandatory here so you don’t have much of a choice anyway.”

“I – ok.” Kaneki said. It would seem odd if he protested now. Nobody in their right mind would want to stay and read these when they had an escape route presented to them. He had a role to play; be an employee eager to please but have a limit. There was line to toe and he would not overstep it and cast suspicion on himself by being over-enthusiastic. “You’re right. A break would be nice.” he admitted as he stood up and stretched.

“I’m always right.” Hide said, slinging an arm around Kaneki’s shoulder as they made their way down the hall. “I know everything!”

“Ah, yes. That’s why Tori-san stopped by to yell at you this morning.”

“Hey! You can’t use that against me!” Hide pouted as entered the cafeteria.

“Why not?” Kaneki asked as they grabbed some trays. He was focused on the food but listened with half an ear for Hide’s answer. Curry, ramen, sushi of various varieties, miso soup, udon, cream puffs . . . the list went on. No matter what caught his eye, it made him want to vomit. He could feel himself getting restless and he wished he had pinned some lavender to his shirt.

“You’re still new and have a perfect record. You’ll mess up soon and then Tori-san will be yelling at you.”

“He already does that and I haven’t done anything.” Nothing looked appetizing.  _Nothing._  Sometimes he could pretend food still looked good but today wasn’t one of those days. He had already used the excuse of having a big breakfast yesterday. Could he use it again? Would that seem strange?

“Y’know, I think that’s what he’s paid to do. I have never seen him do anything else the whole time I’ve been here.” Hide’s tray was slowly being filled with food. White rice that looked like a swarm of maggots. Ramen that smelled of excrement. Strawberry mochi that resembled rotten meat. Kaneki has to grab something. He has to. Anything would do at this point; anything to save face. He eyes a fruit cup but the thought of even touching the container made him shudder.

A soft touch to his shoulder makes him look up. Hide was looking at him, humorous demeanor long gone and replaced with concern. He didn’t say anything as he grabbed Kaneki’s arm and led them to a table. They sat down; one tray full, one empty.

“Um, I-” Kaneki broke the silence between before looking down at the table. He had no idea what to say but he had to say something. “I-” he cut himself off again and sighed, frustrated at his lack of words.

“Y’know,” Hide sighed but there was a smile on his face. “You don’t have to push yourself. If you’re not hungry, then you’re not hungry. I wouldn’t be either if I was reading the things you were. No need to force yourself to eat. All that will do is make you barf. No need to act fine if you’re not.”

“Thank you.” Kaneki had forgotten how perceptive Hide could be. Most people thought of Hide as a person with insatiable curiosity, and he was, but he knew when to stop. Making others uncomfortable was not something he took joy in doing. 

“So you wanna hang out tomorrow?”

He should say no but he missed Hide. He missed his best friend so much. He missed his corny jokes, his casual encouragement, his positive outlook on life. Everything. He missed it all. It was wrong – Kaneki was dangerous now, he was monster. He did awful things to others without flinching, without remorse. He dirtied his hands and rose up from the dirt to become strong. Hide’s heart would break if he saw what had become of him. They were living in contrasting worlds.

Kaneki was strong. This was a fact that emerged from dark, unfortunate circumstances but it still rang true. And to be strong, one had to be cold and steadfast in their convictions.

(But sometimes, in brief moments when uncertainty and the desire to feel normal ached within him, Kaneki was nothing more than a dirty little insect that just wanted to feel the warmth of the sun again.)

“I’ll text you my address."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *crawls out of the abyss* I'm . . . still . . . here.
> 
> Uh, I hope you guys liked it? I made some minor changes to the earlier chapters.
> 
> The Lurker was inspired by the music video, First of the Year (Skrillex). I'd like to think she looked a bit like Rize :)
> 
> If you see any typos, please let me know.


	6. Chapter 6

Kaneki marked his life into before and after events. Before his mom died, he was a quiet, sometimes clumsy kid. After his mom died, he was a quieter kid with a little more grace in his step and a little more grief in his heart. Before his aunt took him in, she was just a poor woman begging for money. After she took him in, she was a well off person with spiteful eyes and a harsh tongue. He had learned not to expect any type of love from her family after one hope too many was dashed in the form of a ripped up report card showing perfect scores.

Before Hide, he was just a kid that preferred reading over playing. After Hide, he was a kid who liked reading and had a best friend that made him laugh.

Before Rize, he was a college kid excited about a date. After Rize . . . he was no longer human. Rize forced him into a dark world filled with relentless violence but it was Yamori that opened his eyes to his new reality.

Before Yamori, he was an optimistic outsider looking in. After Yamori, he was sitting on a thrown of severed heads without an ounce of guilt. Different worlds, different rules and he learned them all, painful though it was. Such a dangerous life made him realize it was better to leave the people he cared for most behind. His _After Hide_ self never thought they’d be separated; his current self knew it was for the best.

So Hide sitting on his couch, munching on chips as they watched a movie was surreal and a poor choice on Kaneki’s end. It was something they had done thousands of times but that was before Kaneki’s life took a dive into hell and decided it was the perfect place to stay. And while he had become used to it, he’d rather his friend did not.

Just this once, though, he’d allow himself to be weak. After today he would distance himself from Hide again. It would be hard but he would do it. He would have to be cold, he would have to be rude, but it was for the best. For both of them.

He tried to ignore the tears stinging at his eyes.

“I need a drink.” he said, trying to distract himself from his thoughts. Hide gave a small grunt, eyes focused on the TV. Glad that his friend was engrossed in the movie so that he wouldn’t notice Kaneki’s trembling form or the tears welling up in his eyes, Kaneki moved towards the kitchen. There he could compose himself.

“Hey, can you make some tea while you’re up, Kaneki?” Hide called out.

“Sure.” Kaneki replied, distracted, before Hide’s words registered in his head. Eyes widening in shock, he spun around only to see amused brown eyes peeking over the couch at him. “Um, I mean, what?”

“What what, Kaneki?” Hide asked with smile.

Kaneki knew he was cornered but tried to find an escape out of pure desperation. “Who’s Kaneki? My name is Kanashimi.”

“You’re lying, Kaneki.” Hide said in a sing-song tone. “And I’d like some green tea. You know it’s my favorite.”

“I’m not lying. You’re delusional.”

Hide gave him a look of pure pity as he tapped on his chin. Confused and annoyed, Kaneki looked down and scowled when he realized he had subconsciously raised his hand to his chin. Damn it all and damn Hide for knowing all his tells.

“How long have you known?” he asked, defeated.

“Since your first day. Figured it out at lunch; took everything I had not to scream and tackle you to the ground.” Hide admitted with a laugh. “You changed your looks; not your voice or your mannerisms. The sunflowers cemented it. I know your handwriting. I’ve been worried about you, man.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” The words felt weak even to Kaneki’s ears. He had been missing for months without contacting Hide. It was for Hide’s protection; to keep him away from ghouls, but his friend wouldn’t see it that way. All Hide knew was that Kaneki disappeared off the grid and resurfaced using a fake name and a new appearance.

“I know you didn’t mean to worry me but you did. You, you left me behind, Kaneki.” Hide laughed again and, oh, it was an awful sound. All of Hide’s hurt, all of his desperation and fear were in that laugh, and Kaneki would do anything if it meant Hide never laughed like that again. “I didn’t think it was possible for you leave without saying goodbye but you did. I was hurt, but more so I was scared for you. Where were you? Were you alive? Dead? Were you being held against your will? Were you rotting in a ditch somewhere? Did you fall in with bad people? I didn’t know anything! I asked everyone. I asked the people at school and got nothing. I asked the people at Anteiku and got lies and platitudes. They said they’d call me if you showed up knowing damn well that you wouldn’t!” Hide yelled, standing up. He took a few breaths to calm himself down. “Worry is the only thing I’ve felt since you left.”

Kaneki was not prepared for this. Just looking at Hide’s face proved to be painful, so he turned around, continued on into the kitchen, and brought out his teapot. It was stupid habit of his to pretend that everything was normal when confrontation came his way. He thought he had gotten rid of it.

“You said green tea, right?”

“Kaneki . . .” Hide trailed off with a tired sigh. “I get this is unexpected, but could you turn around and talk to me? I don’t want to sound entitled but I think I deserve at least that much from you.”

 “I. . .” Kaneki trailed off, unsure of what to say. Apologizing wasn’t enough. He had seen the stress in Hide’s face and felt all the worse knowing he was the reason it was there. A small, invasive thought crossed his mind: he could tell Hide everything. He could tell Hide what he was and explain why he left. He could do that, but wouldn’t that make things worse? Kaneki mulled the idea over as a tense silence fell over them.

“Some things happened to me in the last year,” he admitted, his back still to Hide. “Things that I can’t explain because I’m afraid, Hide. I’m so scared of what you’ll think of me; what you’ll do when you realize I’m not a good person anymore.” Kaneki fell silent, staring at the teapot on the stove. Even now, he was coward; he couldn’t look at Hide, couldn’t bear to see the hatred etched on his best friend’s face.

Hide didn’t respond but Kaneki heard him walk into the kitchen. For a moment, there was nothing but Hide’s gaze on his back. Then, gentle arms trapped him in a hug.

“You’ve been keeping secrets from me, huh?” Kaneki gulped and nodded. “You’ve been keeping me out of the loop even though we pinky promised in middle school that we’d tell each other everything. You broke that promise, Kaneki.” The arms tightened around him before letting go.

“But I’m not mad. I broke it too.” Hide ended, letting out a sheepish laugh. “Worse, we were hiding the same thing.”

Confused and a little alarmed at the statement, Kaneki turned around. “What?”

“I know you’re a ghoul, Kaneki.” Hide said, tapping at Kaneki’s eyepatch. “I was waiting for you to tell me yourself, but that was stupid of me, huh? I mean, humans hate ghouls so who in their right mind would admit to being one? I didn’t know it was possible to switch species but I know for a fact that you were human up until last year. That doctor did something . . . you changed after the surgery.” Hide’s gaze was sad as he poked Kaneki’s stomach. “Guess he gave you more than a kidney and didn’t tell you.”

Kaneki wanted to say something but Hide kept talking.

“Thinking back, it’s clear even you didn’t know what was going on at first. I thought the drugs were making your stomach weak. I knew there was more to it by the time we met up with Nishio-san, I just didn’t know what. Of course, it all clicked together when he attacked us and you kicked his ass.” Hide grinned and gave him a thumbs up. “Thanks for doing that! I was so proud of you for standing up for yourself. And for making sure he didn’t eat me.”

“You were awake for that?!”

“Uh, yeah. I was going to tell you, I swear! But there wasn’t time. You got the munchies and Touka-chan stopped by to beat you up and then I really did fall asleep.”

“Oh god.” Kaneki moaned, mortified. He buried his face into his hands. “You knew. You knew I almost ate you and you still fell asleep?!”

“Hey, it all worked out.” Hide patted his back in a placating manner. “I was worried and tired! Besides, I only fell asleep after Touka-chan knocked you into next year. I woke up just as you came into the room the next day. I heard what your manager said and you were already so stressed. I thought being quiet would be best.” he admitted, scratching his head in a nervous manner. “Pretty sure he knew I was awake. He sounded wise but I got an ex-yakuza vibe from him.”

“I can’t say I know what you’re going through or what happened in the time you’ve been away but I remembered what you said. How alone you felt because you were neither human nor ghoul and what could I say to that? What could I say to show you that you weren’t alone? That I was still with you? I didn’t have the words, so I tried to show it through my actions but it didn’t work. I wish I had said something but I didn’t want to put you on the spot. Maybe then you would have trusted me, maybe then you wouldn’t have let me behind.”

Hide stopped talking for a moment and looked at Kaneki. Just looked at him with a bitter-sweet expression before shaking his head.

“But this isn’t about me. You said you weren't a good person anymore but I don't believe that. If that was the case I wouldn't be standing here. What I’m trying to say is I’m still on your side. Always have been, always will be. And I’m not going to rat you out to the CCG or anything like that. Actually, if you could explain what you’re doing there and how the heck you got in undetected, that’d be great. I thought those RC scanners were foolproof.”

“I’m not exactly sure why the scanners don’t trip when I walk through them. I think it’s because I’m a half-ghoul.” Kaneki admitted as he sat at the kitchen table. “I knew they wouldn’t go off due to a previous experience.”

“Neato,” Hide said as he took a seat. “But that still doesn’t tell my why you’re putting your neck out like this. Investigators are almost superhuman; it's crazy. Some seem to have this innate sense in them for detecting ghouls. So while I think you working with me is rad, I'm a little worried you'll get sniffed out.”

“Believe me, Hide, I know.” Kaneki sighed. “I’ve had my run-ins with some. I’m not there to cause problems or kill anyone. I’m only there to look for information; information they’re conveniently giving me.”

“. . . and that’s all you’re doing?” Hide asked with a grin and Kaneki couldn’t stop the embarrassed smile forming on his lips.

“Yes. But if certain info went missing, it was an accident. So don’t tell on me, ok?”

“I knew it!” Hide laughed, slapping his leg. “I knew you had a mischievous streak in you! All those years in school of you acting worried when I did something was all a front!”

“It was not!” Kaneki snapped back. “Who in their right mind sets a trash can on fire to roast a hot dog? Who?” Kaneki asked, bringing up an age old incident in which Hide had been hungry and unwilling to wait for the lunch break.

“Someone who was hungry and didn’t have access to a grill, duh.”

“Hide, you made me skip my first hour to be your lookout. I turned my back for one second, only to turn back to find the whole trash can was ablaze!”

“I think I deserve a little more credit. I did pick an outside trash can that was next to a fountain. And I did roast my hot dog.”

“And how did it taste?”

“Trashy. You know that. You were there when I spat it out.” Hide giggled. “You were also in the same class with me the next day when the announcement came over the intercom. Remember? _‘Students with any information concerning the burnt trash bin in the fountain are encouraged to come forward. Vandalism at this school will not be tolerated’_.” he said, imitating an old secretary that everyone disliked. 

Both of them cracked up as the memory immersed them. Kaneki had gone so pale at the announcement, the teacher asked if he needed to go to the nurse. Meanwhile, Hide had been snorting and giggling into his arms. The teacher smacked Hide on the head – a normal occurrence – and made him stand outside until he composed himself.

“We had a lot of good times together, didn’t we?” Kaneki said, wiping away a tear.

“We still can.” Hide replied and the mood changed. “Will you tell me what’s been going on in your life? Why you disappeared?”

“It wasn’t on purpose. I didn’t plan on leaving like I did.” Kaneki told him. “I – something happened, Hide. Something that changed me and made me understand that I couldn’t keep living as I had. Dr. Kanou did this to me and I want to know why. Unfortunately, to discover that answer, I’m going to have to get my hands dirty because no one is talking. Knowledge comes at a high price in the ghoul world.” Kaneki glared at the table. “And I intend on finding out everything.

“I don’t want you around when things get dangerous. I’ve made enemies, Hide. If they got ahold of you . . .” Kaneki trailed off, letting the implication hang in the air. “The world I’m living in right now isn’t one I want you to be a part of. I would never forgive myself if you were killed because of me.”

"Shouldn't that be my decision? Whether or not I want to live in the same world as you?"

"And what if you died? The ghoul world is no place for a human, Hide."

“Hey! Just because I’m human doesn’t mean I’m weak. I’ve tracked down and tailed a lot of bad people and I’m still around.” Hide had the grace to look embarrassed and shrugged when Kaneki glared at him. “I know! I know! I told you’d I’d stop but I can’t help it. I don’t like the thought of those kinds of people walking around, doing as they please when I can do something about it. And I know you think I’m reckless and – well, I kinda am, but I don’t have a death wish and I never confront them!” Hide sniffed. “The last guy I tailed was actually a ghoul. I didn’t know that at first!” he exclaimed when he saw a horrified look cross Kaneki’s face. “I just got bad feeling from him, y’know? Good thing I followed him because he’s how I found out about some big ghoul meeting that was going to happen in the 11th ward. I don’t know if he was the leader but it sounded bad so I called it in to the CCG.”

“What did he look like?”

“Why does it matter?” Hide raised an eyebrow but relented when he saw Kaneki’s stiff form and trembling hands. “It wasn’t anyone from Anteiku. No one said his name but he was big dude in a white suit. Square face with a mean scowl and his hair was blonde and gelled back. Had a habit of cracking his knuckles- omph!” Hide let out a grunt. One moment Kaneki was sitting across from him and in the next he was attached to Hide’s side, trapping him in a tight hug. “Hey, are you ok?”

A muffled cry was the only reply and the sinking feeling that Kaneki knew that ghoul hit Hide. He did his best to calm Kaneki down. “Hey man. It’s going to be alright. I’m ok, you’re ok; there’s no need for tears. Come on, deep breaths.”

 “I’m so glad.” Kaneki shuddered and Hide felt his shirt become damp. “I’m so glad he didn’t take an interest in you.” Then, quieter, almost as an afterthought that wasn’t meant to be voiced. “. . . like he did me.”

“. . . like you?” Hide hadn’t meant to say that. The implication was already there and he remembered that ghoul; remembered how his underlings waited on him hand and foot, trembling with frightful eyes. How did his best friend end up meeting someone who inspired such fear? He felt Kaneki stiffen in his arms before pulling away. Hide took a good look at his friend’s face and felt dread sock him in the gut.

Lifeless eyes. He had seen that look before but never to this extent. When Kaneki’s mom died, when his aunt threw out his books, when he was bullied - the aftermath always left those grey eyes blank with hints of sorrow and frustration. But this? Hide couldn’t read any emotions in them; not anger, sadness or despair. There was nothing.

“Don’t ask me what happened.” Kaneki told him in a voice that matched his eyes. “Don’t make me repeat it; don’t make me remember for the sake of your curiosity. Please, Hide. I can’t, I- ” he cut himself off, repressing a sob and this time it was Hide surging to his feet, pulling Kaneki into a surprise hug.

“I don’t know what happened.” he could guess. “I won’t ask. You can tell me when you want and if that’s never, that’s fine too. But you can always come to me if you need to talk about it.” Kaneki nodded and pulled away from him. His eyes were no longer dead but guarded with anger and something else Hide couldn’t quite describe. He wondered if his friend had been replaced by a clone or alien because the person he was looking at? It wasn’t his friend; it wasn’t Kaneki.

“There’s not much to say. I met him and stayed with him due to complications. He scared me at first but near the end I found out he wasn’t anything to be afraid of.  He was vile, disgusting and _weak_.” Kaneki spat out that last word in such a cold, poisonous tone that Hide shuddered without meaning to. Kaneki noticed and it was like a switch was flipped; his posture relaxed, his face morphed into an grimace as he let out a nervous laugh.

“It wasn’t so bad.” he said, scratching at his chin. “I, well, obviously you can tell I came out changed but I can’t complain. I only spent a little over a week with him. I know ghouls who have suffered far longer. What happened to me was nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

Hide bit his tongue. As much as he’d like to say that it did matter, he knew Kaneki. The harder he pushed on this, the more resistant the other would become. Not what he wanted at the moment; he needed Kaneki to trust him. He needed his friend to realize he was on his side through thick and thin and if keeping his mouth shut on this topic helped him achieve that goal, he’d do it.

“Well, I imagine your manager probably wasn’t too happy about whatever happened. He seemed pretty strong. Heh, he probably got all his people together to avenge you. I can imagine it now, your manager saying: “Revenge is best served hot.” and pouring a bunch on that guy’s white suit.” Hide joked, hoping it would make Kaneki laugh.

Kaneki smiled and it was not a nice smile.

“Oh, they didn’t need to avenge me, Hide.” Kaneki said. He cracked his knuckles in a strange manner.

“I did that myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For every bright sun in a person there is also a dark moon.


End file.
